When meeting me, a queer woman of color

Hints for the overly excited gay white men my girlfriend and I meet on our nights out.

Lately when I’ve been out on the town with my lovely girlfriend I have noticed an interesting phenomenon. Gay white men seem to go nuts over us! Not all of them, of course, but a few. It’s very strange and, not gonna lie, borderline creepy.

So, inspired by this vintage worksheet that’s been popping up around the internet today, and based on my own real-life experiences, here are my hints for meeting me, a queer woman of color! Some DOs and DONTs:

If you see me and my lady out somewhere…

  1. DO NOT ask us if we are sisters. Ew no. We’re just both black. Jeez.
  2. DO NOT come up and ask us “OMG ARE YOU GUYS LESBIANS?!?!” *commence side eye* Just because you’re gay doesn’t mean this is an ok way to greet people.
  3. DO NOT assume we are lesbians, either. Yes we are women. Yes we are together. No, we don’t identify as lesbians. #mindblown
  4. DO NOT start a conversation with us thusly: “ I don’t have any lesbian friends!” We wonder why… /sarcasm. (Also, we’re not lesbians.)
  5. DO NOT decide that we are now your new “lesbian besties!!!” before you even know our names. We realize its totally hipster to have black lesbian friends, but we don’t live to fill your quota. (And again, still not lesbians.)
  6. DO NOT touch my hair! I’m queer, you’re queer, I have awesomely textured hair, yay! You still can’t touch my hair without permission, though. #sorrynotsorry. And you DEFINITELY can’t touch my girl’s hair without permission. I will growl at you like a mama bear.
  7. DO NOT touch any other part of my body without permission. We may be fast friends, and you may not be sexually attracted to women, but you’re still a man and a stranger. You’re not entitled to my body.
  8. DO come up and say hi, then get to know us!
  9. DO buy us shots and tell us we are looking fierce! (So are you honey, we got the next round!)
  10. DO treat us like regular people who aren’t really that exciting after all. Because, well, we are.


  1. When meeting me, a man with little patience.

    1. Don’t give me a bunch of do’s and don’ts regarding our very first encounter because you have a fragile ego.

    1. Seems to me like all the requests are basic requests for manners. Don’t touch people who you’ve just met, don’t assume people’s sexuality. Don’t presume an intimate relationship when you don’t even know their name.

      Seems like basic manners to me.

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