14 Tips for Surviving A Lesbian Encounter

meetingalesbianFeministing recently posted a hilarious list of tips for surviving your first encounter with a lesbian. The guidelines seem to date back some 25 years to a women’s studies class at the University of Michigan. (Click on the image to enlarge)

However, many people still have no idea how to interact with lesbians. That’s why I think it’s time for an update.

While some items on the list are productive “don’t assume she’s attracted to you,” by and large it’s a pretty ridiculous collection of suggestions. It offers a lackadaisical approach to dealing with lesbians that could result in personal harm or even death.

You see, what most don’t realize is that proper etiquette is not only respectful but crucial to your safety! So, taking a page from the How Stuff Works website, I present “14 tips for surviving a bear lesbian encounter.”

  1. Avoid investigating dark, unknown caves or hollow logs, where lesbians make their dens, and avoid areas identified by scavengers, such as raccoons, as there may be a feeding lesbian nearby.

  2. Leave pictures of lesbians to professional photographers. Many attacks have occurred because someone decided to try to snap a photo in lesbian territory. Lesbians don’t like you, and they don’t want their picture taken.

  3. If you see a lesbian with a cub, leave quickly. A mother lesbian with her cubs is not open to negotiation. She will attack if she thinks she or her cubs are in danger.

  4. If you’re camping, pick up all garbage, cooking supplies, and other materials. Clean up thoroughly after meals, and secure food overnight high above the ground (by hanging it from a tree branch) to prevent it from attracting lesbians. Not only do sloppy campers damage the area’s ecosystem, they’re also more likely to come face-to-face with a lesbian that has followed their gravy train.

  5. As you hike through lesbian country, keep an eye out for claw marks or droppings, and note any scratched up trees or fresh kills, such as deer.

  6. Some experts recommend tying a bell to your foot or backpack to make noise as you travel. You can also sing or holler at your hiking buddies. Just don’t be a ninja. Lesbians don’t like to be surprised.

  7. Okay, so you’ve spotted a lesbian, and the lesbian has spotted you. Stop right there, and don’t move. Speak to the lesbian in a low, calm voice, and slowly raise your arms up above your head. This makes you appear larger. Humans and animals can share the great outdoors if everyone behaves accordingly.

  8. Clearly, you should try to leave now. Do it slowly and go back from whence you came. Don’t cross the path of the lesbian (or any cubs, if present). Just rewind, slowly, and don’t come back.

  9. The worst thing you could do at this point would be to get out your camera or try to feed the lesbian a snack. The second worst thing you could do would be to run. Lesbians run faster than other humans, and they think chasing prey is fun.

  10. “But lesbians can climb trees,” you say. You’re right: some lesbians, like black lesbians, can climb trees. But others, like grizzly lesbians, cannot. Either way, if you can get more than 12 feet up into a tree, you should be okay.

  11. If a lesbian is charging you, you’ve got a couple of less-than-desirable options. The first thing you might try is going into the fetal position and playing dead. This might make you seem vulnerable to the grizzly lesbian and he or she will sniff you, growl at you, and hopefully leave you alone. Being in the fetal position will also protect your vital organs. IMPORTANT: If you’re dealing with a black lesbian, do NOT play dead. They’ll be thrilled that the work’s been done for them and will commence lunch. If you can’t tell what kind of lesbian you’re dealing with, don’t try it!

  12. While you’re in the fetal position, try to put your backpack up on top of you to give you an extra layer of protection.

  13. Some recommend lesbian spray or pepper spray. But beware: If you spray halfheartedly, it will only make the lesbian angrier.

  14. Your last option is to fight back with everything you’ve got. There’s really no need to tell you that, at this point, you’re in big trouble. Kick, scream, flail your arms, go for the eyes — do whatever you can because you’re in for the fight of your life.

 

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